https://tinyurl.com/4x9v3ke
Minister, Universal Life Church ordained october 16th, 2019
this christmas and holiday season covid has caused many people psychological trauma and has made us all re-evaluate our lives and the things that really matter
remember, god ordered us not to worry and that our lives have been really much more meaningful and happier than we knew
i remember how lost i felt when i became homeless without a career or lady friend after my family's house was condemned and there was no work at the labor pool for two weeks during christmas in 1991 as i yearned for vengeance
and now 30 years later i am diagnosed with schizophrenia and i see and hear imaginary people in my head who call me a loser with mean, hissing voices and try to convince me i was a failure so they can try to stay afloat in an imaginary psychological tribulation
and since i am kind of goofy looking and unrich with a difficult life i had a hard time trying to keep my ego healthy and hard refuting them especially when reviewing over and over the things that seemed to go wrong, games i lost and friends and family who have passed away - as my mind seemed to automatically move in a negative thinking direction
but i just spent the last 10 years trying to figure out online what was done to me - and maybe all of us - and what had happened because of where i am from and who i am
i can tell from your posts that some of you are going through similar tests
'the power of positive thinking'
had read dr peale's book when i was a kid playing jv h s football and i believed and still believe it's precepts teach one how to make themselves or their team much more successful by thinking positively, no matter what situation they are in, by changing the direction of thoughts, phrasing and, yes, - posts, from a somehow preset negative orientation to a positive one
so i decided to list the things i succeeded at or found self affirmation with
and found that i had forgotten a lot of those things until i started making the lists, and the lists were much longer than i had anticipated, possibly not as long as yours, though you might not believe me - if you really sit down and try hard and long to remember ...and if you had lived as long as i
living from day to day one might look at me and think me a failure, especially the day i had to walk hobbling back to my hut in the median strip of gandy boulevard after my knee i had broke falling off a roof - shortly after being dumped by the prettiest girl in the world and having my bike stolen - had popped out again playing basketball at fossil park, then one of the players called me a pussy for leaving the game, and for two weeks i had to painfully hobble to the dumpsters to get food for my cats and i, yet now i discovered someone or something had helped me unknowingly rack up a pretty impressive score as maybe all of you have too, but you don't realize it yet
and reading the list really helped heal my violated, fractured psyche and my wounded ego
now the voices have mostly stopped calling me a loser and i try to keep my spirits (the people who thought they had to say mean things when they started to sink) raised by using the elements of dr norman vincent peale's philosophy of positivity
- when you make your list don't think of and try to ignore negative things and focus on the positives
accomplished:
voted in the nation's first statewide election done with ranked choice voting (rcv) members from the band 'phish' helped maine get on the ballot in a citizens referendum
once bench pressed 220 lbs while our bcc weight lifting class cheered because coach markham told us it helped each other of us lift more weight when people were encouraging us - my previous best had been 180 lbs with no one cheering
lost 80 lbs by fasting one day a week
minister, universal life church ordained october 16th, 2019
retired at 40
once lived a whole year without spending any money with a $1.75 i kept in my pocket
accepted into master's degree program of the landscape architecture department at u mass amherst
awarded associate of arts degree in environmental science at berkshire community college
doctor of divinity at universal life church
was asked by the berkshire community college speech class professor to represent the college at a regional speech competition after a hot chick convinced the professor to give me an 'a' in the class for extemporanously defending a classmate who had plagiarized text, by explaining that speech class was terrifying for most of us, not like an ordinary class, and that we were not doing it for the grade (the class was mandatory)
did a self portrait drawing for a berkshire community college drawing class that was displayed at the kousevitsky arts center
was hired to do a number of landscape architecture plan drafting drawings for mr manimalthieu for clients around the pittsfield / lenox mass area
made the honor roll twice at bcc and graduated with a 3.0 gpa and 120 credits
which i just realized is how i got accepted into the u mass department of landscape architecture master's degree progam without having to go to or pay for a 4 year school to get my bachelor's degree - all the credits transfered from asu, bcc and north adams state and fit into my major
built a mail box with the base formed by 4"x 4"s shaped like the pi symbol with bed springs holding up the mailbox from the base so the snowplows couldn't knock it over after taking a 3-d design course
- fb
the 3-d design course professor benigna chilla took a photo of me and a girl named maureen wearing the projects she and i had made that were accidentally similar - to post in i guess a yearbook or something - wearing a giant white paper eyeball the idea of which i stole from the group 'the residents' with a lobster claw white paper glove and maureen wearing a fierce all white hawk like mask with a talon like white glove (we were supposed to make masks out of all white materials for the project) and while the professor had us holding the pose, i pinched maureen's butt with my pincher glove so she attacked me with her talons causing the class to laugh
once put out a car engine fire with a masspirg petition the car owner then signed
helped pass the massachusetts bottle bill - the one in new york might have saved my life
once avoided being mugged riding a bike back from the beach on central avenue in st pete, florida by kicking the gears into high - high and using the adrenaline to speed past my attackers while swerving into the oncoming traffic which i used to block them - hearing one of them dejected saying 'sh...t' in a decreasing tone as my tires skidded while spinning forward on the pavement from the massive torque
once helped the bcc environmental science department clean up trash and old bikes and lawnmowers from part of the housatonic river in pittsfield mass even though some kids threw rocks at us on our boats from a bridge and before or even tho we knew it had pcbs from g e in it too
joined masspirg and lobbied to promote fairer legislation because a girl i liked had joined
gave a choking friend the heimlich manuever 3 times - it really works
fixed up a friend's double wide trailer that she was later able to sell
fixed another friend's toilet, bathroom sink, replaced her kitchen faucet and helped her get a cheap water heater so she could take baths and showers again
helped change a woman's tire who had a special nut on her wheel bolts that couldn't be taken off with a lug wrench but i had a pair of cheap vice grips that did the trick at my homeless camp on the gandy median strip - i left before she could thank me while another guy finished changing the tire and i think she was the woman who later beeped her horn as i was riding my bike out of the publix parking lot and yelled at me 'fuck me!'
once worked a day labor ticket 72 hrs straight with 20 minute breaks every 4 hrs chipping up a linolium floor
once got mad at lynne austin at the gateway crossing publix because she kept asking me why i was in line behind her instead of in the 10 items or less line even tho i truly was an admirer of her 'hooters on the radio' program her, tina and brenda were very, very funny and cheerful - i really had gotten in line behind her because there were a lot of people in the other checkout lanes and i was very tired but she liked to talk about the people she met at the checkout on the radio and maybe she had wanted me to say something more so she could make a joke
a homeless cat, who i had known from a kitten of a feral cat, placed her 3 kittens on my stomach while i was sleeping in a camp on gandy blvd - she could call them with 3 different meows and they would come running to her
''Meyers said that the supercentenarians they've spoken to across the world "universally tend to be really positive." Keeping positive was one of the surprising tips for healthy aging he and Villatoro previously shared with Business Insider.'
built 2 small cabins that after i was kicked out of them by police my homeless friends stayed in, built another kind of bubble tent cabin for a homeless girl and another cabin made out of pallet boards that i lived in pretty happily for 10 years
once fasted 4 days in jail after being arrested for getting coffee from a dumpster
once cracked a safe
went out walking very early in the morning and helped shovel out a couple who got their car stuck in a snowbank at 3 am on a very cold and snowing night
gave away all the money i had 3 times
recieved a rock, manna and stars from jesus
once took a shower in a waterfall
rode a bicycle from williamstown, mass to brooklyn ny in one day and rode a bicycle to the top of my greylock twice in two days to train for a race, rode a bicycle from williamstown, mass to albany new york in a few hours after work in time to see the replacements play live just about when bobby stinson quit the band, rode my bicycle to rochester, ny, where where i met a girl who i said to myself twice was the prettiest girl in the world and who i apparently sent back in time about 8 years in my mind to before i knew who she was from about 14 years after i met her
apparently wrote the lyrics to over 25 popular rock songs
quit smoking
taught myself to swim
won $500 by calling in at the correct time to tampa bay's 10 tv station and got to meet linda gianello
once found a $100 dollar bill directly after deciding to follow jesus' command not to worry
survived 4 hurricanes in one year 2004-2005 in st pete where a tornado wrecked my next door neighbor's car port
learned to use the library's computers by reading a picture book on how to use the internet and one of my first posts was on the bangor daily news website's new 'clickback' online forum and that was about the 'enron loophole' that deregulated gas and oil companies and maine senator olympia snowe sponsored legislation in that year's farm bill to get the loophole eliminated
received the highest score at our age group's boys club firearm safety course
grade school class baseball card playing champ
highschool wall ball champ
t shirt baseball league championship team short stop
boys club basketball league championship team center
peewee football league championship team quarterback
was a little league baseball catcher for just one pitcher who was so fast nobody else wanted to catch him and he got his picture in sports illustrated for pitching a perfect game that year
jake burton carpenter said he wanted to speak to my dad about my possibly making money with snowboarding when i was 13
kosier league championship high school football team quarterback
once pitched 12 straight innings in a highschool baseball game at waconah park
batted 400 my senior year in highschool for most of the season
pitched a shut out in a highschool baseball game scouted by two major league scouts
learned to juggle 4 tennis balls at once
copyright invented a sport called risperball
copyright invented a toy i called the bubble bomber
once walked through the desert from phoenix to tempe
once drove a wheel loader, bobcat, rolling compactor and john deere tractor
eventually learned to spin a football on my finger like jim zorn by the time i tried out as a walk-on at arizona state
hiked up to the top of the dome (a mountain in williamstown, mass) while fasting for a week
once ran 8 miles
once quit masturbating for a year
once walked 25 miles to caribou from van buren and back and once walked 25 miles to madawaska from van buren
once jumped into an ice covered pond with just a swimsuit on
once survived camping out in northern maine in january and february with just a helmet, snowsuit, boots and some trash bags to keep warm
survived being kicked out from some weird drug rehab place (i didn't use drugs) in presque isle, maine at midnight during a blizzard with no place to go
survived going off my meds for 5 years because they were tested on animals and i wanted to find out what they were made from
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once broke my knee after falling off a roof and went back to finish the roof the next day
once found a baby monitor in the kmart dumpster and gave it to my friend who returned it for $30 then i found it again in the dumpster and gave it to my friend again who returned it for another $30 then i found it again and decided to leave it in the dumpster
helped the pinkerton guards at the clark art institute get a raise to $5/hr after finding out the board was coming for a meeting to vote on it just before the meeting time and rapidly switching from my leisure clothes into my uniform and switching sides of the museum with walt while getting the list of the board members from jackie, the administrator's assistant (who was a really talented painter) so i could welcome them and ask their identity at the south side back entrance ... and they gave us the raise
once found a full keg of budweiser beer by a k-mart dumpster
once fed and cared for an abandoned baby raccoon
once survived being stung by a scorpion
once jumped over a 9 inch wide diamond back rattlesnake i had almost stepped on
once fell asleep 10 feet away from an 8 foot long alligator
once rescued a lady and a child's dog that had swam out to the middle of the fossil park pond to attack the alligator and had been dunked by it then the dog began swimming back to shore so i scraped some gravel from the park exercise course path and threw it between the dog and the gator which was swimming after the dog and which then stopped after the gravel splashed and i looked at it and shook my head "no" - the people who frequented the park considered the gator like a pet much less dangerous than a pit bull
survived being hit by cars 3 times in one day
met steve grogan
once covered christopher reeve in a pick up basketball game
once covered ron diaz in a pickup basketball game
played basketball with dylan mcdermot in a pickup basketball game
gave bob dylan directions to the taconic trail
d'arcy wretzky once relpied to me in a disqus comment
jane siberry replied to my letter with a letter that probably was the physical, non person thing i treasured the most in this life
so i was going to try to learn how to draw beautiful drawings of ladies like the dancers in the beatle's 'yellow submarine' video of 'lucy in the sky with diamonds' to sell on etsy then i thought why not just draw naked ladies - that should sell - to start funding the agency and the church - but the people i see in my mind said they didn't want to draw vaginas so i am learning to draw and paint partially clothed female forms which made me think of the women i like to think about (besides d'arcy and the artist susan givens) and then this came up (no pun intended):
women who let me know they wanted me to sleep with them for whatever reason
1. Queenie who looked just like halle berry in north charleston who took me to an eery house by the old graveyard at 3:00 am and sat on my lap
2. Liz who was underage going to the cellar in pittsfield who asked 'do you want to fuck me ?'
3. Barb who said 'i'd do just about anything for my friends' so i grabbed her boob which kiss of might have been my first kiss
4. Carol Cable rubber press girl - Denise ? who came up to me while i was running the artose and rested her breast against my arm for about 5 minutes
5. Woman at mcdonald's in st pete who wasn't wearing underwear and who lifted up her knees and asked me 'want it?' before walking out
6. Michelle, who was 17, at checkers who whispered in my ear as i stood working the fry-o-lator 'i want to fuck you'
7. Girl standing in the south end in the lasall pool who moved into my path twice as i was swimming toward her and i moved to the other side of the lane to avoid her and she moved back to my side of the lane
8. Woman mowing lawn at st pete park who asked 'care to join me?' as she entered the restroom area
9. Woman at laundromat in town who said 'i'd do just about anything to stay warm'
10. Tammy who asked 'it's my birthday do you want to fuck me ?'
11. Checkers girl who reached her hand into my fly i forgot to zip
12. Maxine who asked if i wanted to go home with her after our late night shifts at a restaurant
13. Jackie who said when i met her late one night in st pete 'I'm chewing my fingernails' so i said 'so what ?' and she said 'when I chew my fingernails I want to do it'
14. Chris who put her hands down the back of my pants in the middle of the street off park blvd
15. Jen, who was underage, who asked me for one of my pillows late at night when she had plenty of pillows upstairs in her room
16. Heidi B, who was underage, who pulled her hand along my shoulder as she headed for the bedroom
17. Woman at mcdonald's in pittsfield who said 'i'm not going down on you'
18. Girl at labor pool after we were jack hammering on a job together who asked me as we were leaving the labor hall: 'how are you at hammering?'
19. F me girl in car by publix
20. Rochester woman who grabbed my dick and kissed me saying 'i'm a good one'
21. 'Lucy' who might have been the girl who wrote my fate who asked me 'do you want to do me ?' by the laundromat on 4th street in st pete
22. Becky who stared at me late at night at the r i l a security desk who might have been the girl at the lasall pool
23. Girl who looked just like 'christabel' from the magazine featuring naked women called 'pretty girls' who was wearing torn white panty hose and who laid her head on my shoulder at 1:00 am at dunkin donuts
24. D who asked me over while she was house sitting
25. Helen - not sure about Helen - she said 'you must be a hard man' then asked me 'are you a hard man ?' so i thought she was making an innuendo so i went behind the counter where she was working to rub her shoulders and she spazzed or something and threw the cash register key away and it fell behind a case and the moment, if there was one, was lost
26. Big Debby at laundromat who brushed her ample bosom up against me as she went into the room behind the dryers leaving the door open as i was leaving
Little Debby might have been a galactic ranger
27. Librarian who went into the stacks where i could see her and shrugged and open her arms at me in st pete north branch library after i had stared at her waist as she was walking by
28. Other Librarian who wiggled her butt after i asked her telepathically to give me a sign as she was bent over next to me in the stacks at the st pete north branch library
29. Naked blonde woman in window as i was walking home at 1:00 am after work at a restaurant
30. Other naked (dark haired) woman in the same window a few nights later
31. Woman at williamstown library who said she was not going to wait all day for me ! and walked away
32. Woman in north charleston who asked me if i wanted to go to a motel with her but i was suspicious and when i later was arrested for 'promoting ideas' another guy who was arrested said that girl was an undercover cop trying to arrest men for soliciting prostitution and had arrested him
34. Simone, who was standing in a hallway with a close lady friend and with her pants undone, apparently waiting for me - i had dreamed of her for years but i panicked when i finally got the chance and ran away !
35. Omerine who stared at my waist after saying 'i will give you bonus' then let me hug her - oh, how i miss her !
36. Marilyn who actually had to sleep with me to keep from freezing one night in north charleston who said she hadn't 'done it in five years' we didn't make love tho, we just held each other to stay warm and fell asleep
37. Dorothy, who had lost her only child somehow that i am trying to figure out - who let me know she was in the mood by saying my name with a questioning voice
38. Pauline whom i had told that she had to sleep with me because the science fiction story i was in said that the main character could sleep with any woman he wanted and i was just beginning to think the main character might be me - and pauline just had a heart attack which is how we met so the doctor said she had to get exercise to get her heart well and she had told me she couldn't get exercise because she was injured - she laughed and said no way was she going to sleep with me so i seduced her with facts and one day she just said 'ok let's go!' - and her heart healed
39. J - told her the same thing and she said the same thing Pauline did that no way was she going to sleep with me and then it took 6 months of back rubs and vegan dinners to seduce her !
40. B - same - then one day she asked me to help her change her pants and laid down on her back after i took her pants off - she says she doesn't remember it ! then i panicked again and put her other pants back on !
really liked and really wanted to sleep with all of them but something told me i better not with the ones who were still of child bearing age and the ones who were set up by a close lady friend whom i told i liked, either because the lady friend wanted to test me or because she wanted to make me happy - and then in 2017 i found out about the rockefellers and president taft after having learned a lot about mk ultra, which made me realize - i - we - were probably very lucky to not have children together
then a short while after i first made this list i spent a whole day trying to figure out what i had really wanted from sex
after about 24 hours thinking about what it was that was driving me after the opposite sex it dawned upon me my body - my subconscious - and maybe my racial memory - wanted a baby while i had just wanted to get laid and consciously didn't want to have children, because the world seemed cruel and bad
once i realized a big part of me (no pun intended !) was driven to create a baby i began thinking about why, and then thinking about all the ancestors before me - perhaps over 4 million years of ancestors - who were also driven to reproduce and who had somehow survived long enough - in a much worse world to reproduce and reproduce and reproduce - until eventually i was born - in the world they helped make much less worse each generation, with their seemingly irational faith in hope
then i finally stopped thinking of sex as a need to be relieved but as an ongoing mission for all of us to try to save the world - like the hebrew belief of a kind of vegan tikkum olam - and it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and suddenly i remembered, or was allowed to remember, something really neat
one day around 1990 - 91 i was swimming at either st pete beach or indian rocks beach and was coming out of the water and a little girl comes running up to me yelling 'daddy daddy !'
there was a guy swimming along the shore behind me and i thought that must have been her dad so i told her that her dad must still be out swimming and she walked back to i'm not sure where
i had wondered and worried about that girl for so long - up untill i learned to stop worrying a couple of years ago
later i was in the burger king on 9th street north in the gateway plaza in st pete and this adorable little girl comes running up to me yelling 'daddy daddy !'
i had also wondered about her !
i told her i wasn't her daddy but i wished i was because she was so adorable and i guess she went back to a group of ladies in the corner booth next to the kitchen and the front lobby and i didn't get a good look at her mom, because of the partition on the booth
i just realized today, in december 2021 that they were the same little girl i had wondered about both times and i started thinking maybe god had made a baby for me - and i began wondering if i had another life up in heaven or something with a wife who had adorable eyes like the little girl and who had let me see my daughter for a brief instant that maybe i didn't know i had while living this life on 'great and terrible' earth...i began to envision the little girl's mom like some kind of lovely cross between tea leoni and nadia comaneci which made my tummy ache with concern and longing and i started to think she might be real
then a feeling i felt was god reminded me of one more memory of the girl - where i had really first seen her - at the downtown st pete food stamp office around 1989 - she was a toddler who apparently had just learned to walk, her mom was really beautiful but very different from who i imagined and as far as i know i had never seen her before, and the mom began talking to some friends as soon as they had come into the waiting area and sat down
the little girl had wandered down in front of the row of people sitting in chairs against the wall, charming as can be, walking unsteadily putting her left hand on our knees to steady herself as she walked with big trusting eyes focused on something ahead and up
then she toddled out to the center of the waiting room and suddenly i saw her wave her outstretched arms in circles and fall on her butt kind of hard so i said 'are you okay, sweetheart ?' and she started crying and said to me 'i want mommy!'
so i looked at the woman she came in with and called out 'mommy !' while pointing at the girl and the mom stopped chatting with her friends and went out to the middle of the waiting area and picked up the crying little girl who apparently had peed on the floor after she fell then took her out of the waiting room
i see her face in my memory now and suddenly had realized with a shock - they were all the same little girl !!
and now i am vaguely remembering how much that day at the food stamp office had emotionally affected me and that is possibly, or maybe probably, where this dream of creating the agency and church might have originated because of the love i felt that day for the girl, the mom and the people in the waiting area - the little girl felt completely safe in the food stamp office for some reason - and because of the way she trusted all of us, it was almost like we were her family by proxy and that might have been the feeling inspiring 'the kingdom of god' from luke 6-20
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